Dear HR Manager at White House:
I'm applying for the position of Presidente de Estados Unidos. I've seen the advertising running for months now, and I conclude you've been unsuccessful in locating a suitable candidate. From my observations, the position will be open in 2018. So, I'd like to get a jumpstart. Early bird, gets the worm. And quite a clean shot of the bird gunning for your worm.
I believe I've got the skills, experience, and sheer ruthlessness to be considered a "good fit" for this particular position. I'm a "results oriented" pirate well-versed in "thinking out of the box". Boxes are for bird corpses and dead baby turtles.
The last few years have seen a wild “paradigm shift” from admiration of the rich to overt hostility as well as a steady erosion of the skills essential to be successful in this important position. For example, anyone can promise to build a wall, but it takes a true visionary to orient it properly so that nobody gets out and tyranny can commence. In a world full of illusion and rhetoric a person of real integrity is only road-kill on the highway of political opinion. I am not that person.
Who am I? Again, Pirate. What do I mean? Please allow me to show you and present my solutions on three main problems.
1) The Economy: Instead of wasting time with "Mumbo Jumbo" about lowering tax rates for select groups of people, I propose a rock solid investment in the future of U.S.: Wars of Conquest! I've been watching Game of Thrones. It's a piece of cake and more; the people seem to understand it! While inflation has been reported as flat (once you sign up for mundane factors such as food and fuel), your average consumer has seen their paycheck also remain flat. Meanwhile, the price of feeding a household of Starks has steadily arisen whenever you factor in just a little thing called serving size. And don't get me on about of what it costs to refill a fully loaded Jeep Rubicon these days!
What my Wars of Conquest strategy will do is launch a series of wars on the prosperous nations around the planet and take their stuff. We give you this stuff and bring it all home just for us. Simple as that. After all, why should THEY have stuff when you don't? I pass the savings on to you, and this will lower your cost of stuff!
We'll bring home my 'Labor from a Neighbor' program. Let's face it, Mexicans and Canadians have been around way too long, and they're as lazy like everyone else's neighbor. You can't get an 18-hour day's work out of an illegal alien anymore let alone the average American. Might as well make them legal so we can tax them properly. Therefore after the Wars of Conquest winds down, I propose we bring new labor from abroad and put them to work doing the mindless shit we do on a daily basis already so we can continue mindless shit.
Imagine having your very own custom French girl to choose a decent wine, tidy up that wine cellar and cut your cheese; or want to go "green"? Have a Kenyan to "run down to Trader Joe's" for some tofu. And I mean run! If you'd like a Japanese nuclear engineer to do your offsprings homework, you're able to have it as easy as anyone with an Amazon prime account.
My Wars of Conquest strategy won't only raise the standard of living for each American. It's going to give them more leisure time to accomplish more video game battles, more texting of what they are eating, going gaga over snapchat filters of unicorn dildos and dog ears. I am going to give our lazy bastards exactly what they want - More time! Need a programmer to hack on on those cheat codes for you? In 1-2 days, just pick one out of our human-resources catalog online, and in no time at all, he or she will arrive at your doorstep. Via Amazon drone.
2) Tax Reform: The Tax Code, as we know it, is definitely an unfathomable mess of restrictive rules written in an alien legalese. A lot of people in the 50's thought that any alien invasion would involve death rays and Space ships. Even I know the old pirate tales of an invasion with a single ship packed with billionaire tycoons and attorneys seeking a tax shelter because of their vast wealth that has Galacticly subdued the United States in 1926 and used this timeline like a weapon from other planet. Their insidious weapon: selectively taxation that is so ambiguous, it's failed the system. Who knew, right?
As the valuation on this chunk of rock we call Earth began to plummet in 2005, our Alien Overlords cashed out and left the American people with this massive deficit. How do I propose to raise revenue? Advertising on the Moon naturally.
The Moon may be a far distance object from the planet, but a lot more visible when compared to the usual viral sex tape of any celebrity leaked for lack of someone paying attention to them more than folks already do.
With a combination of HAARP technology along with Blackmagic infused relics from Water protectors in Standing Rock, ND and the alarmingly growing number of music festival promoters globally, I propose to produce images to be displayed on the face of Moon in return for advertising fees. This revenue will, in turn, eliminate the demand for the average American while fueling our infrastructure improvement; to cover any income taxes for its citizens.
The foreign labor rebuilding bridges, our roads, and government jobs will be financed by ad dollars like how google runs their pony show. But Moongle dollars can only fund so much. To fund future wars of Conquest, my "Mo Wang Casino Project" will enable the government to reap in gambling losses what they never could in legitimate taxation. The government giveth and the government taketh away could be the philosophy of the future century. And the chances are 7 to 1 it'll happen. So place your bets today at moongle.com.
3) Social Engineering: The need to live in a safe bubblegum society high on only pretty people is paramount to any civilization. My solution: passive sedation. Much like any "perfect' social system, there periodically arises a conflict between the separate levels of the social order (commonly referred to as "Us" and "Them"). To get rid of the potential of disruptive social dialog and moral confusion, I propose we sedate a huge majority of "Them" so that no more than 47 % of the entire populace is awake at any one time. The optimum solution could be to sedate every one of "Them" but somebody needs to stay awake to make that Canadian to mow the grass or dress that French mime for the amusement of "Us". After all, the majority of "Us" are much too busy to accomplish our own demeaning tendancies. Let "Them" deal with it!
Masses of griping "Little People" are a major distraction to "Us". Rather than permit them to kill our buzz, I will introduce an upgrade to the iPhone and google pixel that will make it possible for the surgical implantation of an immediate phone interface apparatus connected directly to their minds. They never see the needle! We will put this in their pretty little heads thru their ear. They could feel a small pinch, but a mosquito has done more damage to mankind, so relax.
This is creating images directly by hallucination inducing technology because the need for screen and keyboards is going to be soon obsolete. Millions of individuals will type their inane Tweets and open their porn without a blink of an eye, let alone need hands. The ability to get into facebook or play games anytime, anywhere will overload their little brains resulting in a catatonic state.
More over, we may use this populace as a power source. Keep it green! I know what you're thinking. "The average human body can only produce about 100 watts of power. That's only a light bulb; I can't recharge my i-pad or dildo with that, Mo!"
True. Of course knowing that, congratulations, you're entirely too smart to be among "Them". However, with 53% of the population sedated that adds up, and our energy usage may fall to levels that were unprecedented, providing us with what we want!
But, it's not entirely regarding the energy. Is it not about a little tranquility? This solution is the best way they are going to remain out of sight silently until we awaken them to running Christmas lights and clean coffee pots. That's if we wake them ;)
I would appreciate discussing the specifics with you very soon(need to give the crew my two weeks), and I'm currently assisting Lizzie II, the Queen of Three Lions with Brexit. So there's that mess to clean up.
I would like to express my continued fascination with the position of President of the United States. Please check out my curriculum vitae; I am certain you will comprehend just why I will be the perfect person for the task at hand. Bigly hands. I'll text a picture for reference if needed.
Contact me anytime at my undisclosed location. I am looking forward to working out for you and the country!
Pirata de Isla Mujeres